Bedroom of Clutter

     Once up the stairway, we walk into my older cousin's former bedroom before she had gotten married to Calvin. Julie lived in this two-story house in Waipahu, which belongs to my mother. Her first name is Mabel.

     Garrett is behind me as I push the heavy door open. My feet touch the surface of the wooden balcony. The paint on the rail is no longer new, but peeled and torn. The paint exposes the chipped wood. The faded surface, of this wooden balcony, is stained with multiple bird droppings that accumulated over the years while I was away from home. The island of Oahu. For several years I was residing in the South Bay, Southern California.

     I dreamt of living an extraordinary life while I was working at the United Airlines reservations building in El Segundo. I was in the International reservations answering telephone calls. My life's motto had been "Life is a scrambled egg." I worked at United, for a year, until I joined a church organization then my whole entire world turned upside down as I lived each day feeling high and low. Excited and depressed. As the years passed, I gradually began to notice and realize that life within the LA Church of Christ isn't what it appears to be as what I had first thought it to be of being light, joyful, and uplifting. No, I felt the opposite. I felt burdened and obligated. Not to mention the emotional anger and bitter frustration that dwelled inside of my heart against certain church members that had, in my opinion, caused the inner thoughts of my mind to pound. Stormy weather. The hardships became a lot harder during the fall season. Loud voices. Nervous breakdowns. Panic attacks. Schizophrenia. 

     I turn around, looking at Garrett. "I have a paper cut," I say to him. "Sore. A sting feeling on my left hand."

     Garrett takes a quick look as I point to my skin, showing him the thin cut on the lower end of my ring finger. "It is stinging," I comment to him. "You know, I was planning on writing this blog post during Valentine's Day instead of today, an ordinary day."

     "The second of July," Garrett replies, smiling. 

     I smile, slightly. "The typewritter papers and the red spiral write notebook. I had typed duplicate copies of the March seven to nine. Haven't thrown them away. Not throw away, but the papers were recycled."

     "These were stashed in your deceased grandparents' bedroom, right?" Garrett asks.

     We are standing in the bedroom of clutter. "Right," I say, looking around at the carpet floor of my cousin Julie's old bedroom. The ground toward the walls are covered with magazines, pocketbooks, and hardcovers. 

     "I need to move."

     "I'd be there."

     "In my dreams."
      Garrett smiles.
      "How do you know a person is the right one?" I ask, sounding unsure. "Are we right for each other?" My dark brown eyes meet his hazel ones. His gorgeous eyes.  "Do you know?"

     Garrett answers, "I know what you are saying," he says. "My curly hairdo look?"

     "Yes." I say.
     A pause.
     He looks at me. "I'll wear a cap if it becomes too naturally curly."
     "You will?"
     "Of course," Garrett answers, smiling. "What else?"
    "Well...you don't smoke," I inform. "Peaceful just knowing you don't smoke. It's the odor and the overall health."
     He whispers, "I know."    
     "This is the hard part," I announce, staring at him. "Do you know how to...You know?"
     "No."
     "No?"
     "What are you saying?"
     "Sex."
     Garrett looks at me. "Oh, that," he calmly says. "Well, I don't know. Do you want to?"

     "You're asking?"

     "Yes."

     "Why?"

     "You're not that bad."

     I laugh. "I don't know. I'm old. It's not that easy having sex with a girl who is past fifty and a virgin. We could try, like a normal couple. Are we a couple? But could we talk to a...You know?" I ask. The sound of my voice is hesitant. "It's just that I'm afraid of intimacy, I guess. Getting hurt? What else...Pain? I should, though. Shouldn't I? At least try to? After we marry? Do you want to marry me? Or just say that we did it for pleasure or something. Isn't that what strangers do nowadays? They have sex for fun. A one night stand. No Strings Attached. Seen that movie? We could, but, then again, I don't know. Should we? Then I'll know how sex feels like, you know, to have sex. You're perfect. You know that don't you?"

     He smiles. "You can shave."

     "Girlie girl," I reply, smiling. "You should've been having sex with someone else, you know."
     "We are not."
     "Okay."
     "You alright?"
    I shake my head, reassuring him. "Yeah," I nod. "Don't know why you are here with me." After regaining my composure, I say, "Before starting the diary of a Lost character, in this very room, I read a tweet on the iPhone4 of a tsunami warning. Couldn't believe my eyes. Hawaii received a tsunami warning after a magnitude 8.9 earthquake devastated Japan."

     "Was it not on a Friday night?" Garrett asks me. 

     I answer, "Think it was. Was the date March eleven?"

     "I think you're right."

     "Need to double check," I announce. "You never know."

     He says, "Right."

     "The manly look." 

     I gaze at Garrett, hoping for the feeling of pregnancy. But how can a girl become pregnant when she is over the years of childbirth? Menopause. Think I'll be menopausal." 

     We are outside now, standing on the faded, chipped, and bird pooped stained wooden balcony. I turn to look at Garrett, but he is no longer standing next to me. "I'll be there," I hear him say. "In my dreams," I repeat in my mind.
     I turn to oversee the view of where I currently live, observing the afternoon sky. Depending on the island weather and the season, I feel the gentle trade winds or the cold, crisp, and fresh air. I stare at the horizon and, once more, gaze at the sky, clouds, mountains, houses, and trees. The landscape of Waipahu. 

     I'm thankful to be alive as I'm standing on the bird droppings and chipped wood of the faded balcony. My dark brown eyes gaze downward, catching a glimpse of my family's backyard. From above, at this time of the month, I could see pots of orchid flowers that are lined in a row, on the cement, along the wire fence. The weather and the scenic view are visibly seen.
     Life is different.